


The First Christmas

by Ferbiie



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Bittersweet, Centered on the tomato twins, Choi twins, Christmas, Christmas Eve, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Party, F/M, Family Feels, First Christmas, Fluff, Healing, Love, MC and Seven are my OTP, Spoilers to Christmas DLC, They are so freaking adorable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:22:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28295247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ferbiie/pseuds/Ferbiie
Summary: Christmas was never happy for the Choi twins. It was cold, fear, hunger, just like their childhood. But after reuniting, perhaps they deserve to have a joyfull celebration regarding the most wonderful time of the year.
Relationships: 707 | Choi Luciel/Main Character
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	The First Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> It's Christmas and I have a brand new fic for all of us. Let me warn you that this fic is inspired by the Christmas DLC - Seven's route. Also, if you haven't played Seven's route, there are indirect spoilers about the game's main story.
> 
> Lastly but not least, if you are interested in other fics regarding those beautiful twins, check out my fic called "A tale of stars and roses". It occurs on the same timeline of this oneshot and it's a retelling of the game's main plot, mixing many routes and, of ourse, with my own twist.  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/25902127/chapters/62947342

_“Don’t cry” Saeyoung cooed, bandaging the cut on his brother’s arm “It’s not that bad, see. You’ll be better soon”_

_“It hurts” Saeran answered._

_“Of course it does, it is still a cut” Saeyoung playfully said, letting go off his arm and taking their blanket, throwing it over their legs “All I’m saying is that it’s not that bad” he grinned, making sure that his brother was warmed up and wiping the trail of tears off his cheek. “So please, stop crying, you’ll end up flooding the house like that”_

_“It can’t happen,” Saeran giggled._

_Saeyoung laughed. “Of course it can” he said, making a serious face “Or you’ll end up like V-hyung. He cried so much when he was a kid that his hair turned blue”_

_“You’re lying” Saeran laughed, pushing Saeyoung._

_“At least I made you laugh” the boy answered, pushing him back._

_Smiling, Saeran looked outside the window. They were sitting over the counter of their empty home so that they could take a look outside. Snow fell from the sky, covering the ground. They did not live in a busy street, but sometimes they could see people passing by, carrying gifts and food that they would prepare that night._

_“Tomorrow is Christmas, right?” Saeran asked, receiving a nod from his brother as an answer “Do you think he will come this time? We’ve been really good this year, even to mom”_

_Saeyoung curled up, hugging his own legs as he stared into the snow. He wouldn’t. Santa never came for kids like them._

“Saeran” MC called again, brushing his arm softly. He had been staring at the cutting board for a while, without moving “Are you all right?”

He looked at her, startled. Sometimes, it was hard to concentrate, as if his mind wanted to wander around, without comprehending that his body would not follow. Saeran was feeling rather dissociative that day, as he usually did when he was anxious.

“Yeah, I’m… fine” he answered, right before he felt a sting of pain coming from his hand. 

He looked down and noticed that he had held the knife by the blade. 

“Oh, crap” MC said “You’ve cut yourself. Here, let’s wash it” she gently pulled his hand, placing it under the running water “It’s not that bad, see? I’ll get the first aid and call Saeyoung”

It was not a deep cut, but it did hurt. He imagined that the knife might have slipped off his hand when he wasn’t paying attention, when he was remembering those past christmases. Saeran watched the water wash away the blood. The psychiatrist told him that he was improving, but he did not feel so. Those ghosts still came back to haunt him, to remember him of a life he longed to leave behind. _It was a memory with Saeyoung._ But it was past, it was bad, it was… cold. He took a deep breath, pressing his other hand over the cut. _We need to focus._ He could never focus on those moments, the voices clashing in his head seemed louder than ever. _Just get a fucking grip, you are worrying noona. We decided that we would go tonight and we are not going back._

They had been preparing for Christmas for a while. After a long conversation, they had decided that they should celebrate it and Saeran was very excited for the first days. It would be the first Christmas of their lives. He had eagerly taken part on every step, from choosing gifts to buying the decorations, even in preparing the food they would take to Jihyun’s home that night. He had decorated the tree and helped Saeyoung to put Christmas lamps on their home, even attending mass with his brother, something he rarely did. But as the day grew closer, he grew anxious, the memories coming back to haunt him, to remember him that Christmas was never a day to be celebrated by people like him. _Saeyoung is anxious too._ Saeran knew that his brother was uncomfortable with the situation, the last thing he wanted was to make Saeyoung worry about him, it was a hard holiday for him too. _He had years to celebrate Christmas when he abandoned us._ No. He didn’t. He never did. Saeran knew now that he had not been abandoned by his brother.

“What happened?” Saeyoung asked, running inside the kitchen, followed by MC.

“Oh, nothing” Saeran forced himself to smile “I just… I drifted away a bit and had a small accident with the knife”

“Holy shit, Saeran” Saeyoung said, taking a look at his hand “You need to be careful in the kitchen. Let me see”

Saeyoung took his hand on his, carefully drying it and applying the bandages. It was curious how everything had changed and still not changed at all. Saeran watched his brother take care of the wound, his worrying eyes shifting from the hand to the first aid box on the counter. 

“It's not that bad,” he said, looking back at Saeran “Are you ok?”

Saeran nodded. He wasn’t, but if he needed to lie in order for his brother to calm down, he would. _Tell him how we are feeling._ He couldn’t do that. It would be painful for both of them. They barely talked about the past with each other, Christmas eve did not seem like the best day to begin. 

“Are you… Are you really fine with us going to Jihyun’s tonight?” Saeyoung asked “We can stay at home, it is perfectly fine for me to call him and say that we can’t go”

That had been the subject of their debates for the past month. After the RFA agreed on having Christmas dinner together, the twins had a long talk. Saeyoung claimed that he was afraid that it would trigger some bad reaction on Saeran, but he knew that wasn’t the only problem. His brother also had terrible memories of their childhood, and even if he tried to hide, Saeran knew that he had nightmares too. The same fears also came for him and that time of the year was not filled with joy in their memories. Neither of them had ever had the experience of a Christmas in a cozy home, with food and the warmth of family. Their past holidays had always been cold, filled with fear, pain and hunger. They had chosen to try and change that, but it was not an easy task at all. Despite that, their psychiatrist thought that it was a great idea for them to participate in the RFA Christmas dinner.

“I want to go,” Saeran answered “Really, I think we should. We deserve it”

He smiled, feeling happy as Saeyoung’s face lightened a bit. His brother stroked his hair, resting a hand on his shoulder. _Silly brother._ It was good to have him back. Saeran knew those eyes as he knew his own. He was worrying. 

“I’ll finish getting ready. Go get changed after you wrap things up in here, all right? And remember to take the gifts”

MC followed Saeyoung back to the bedroom, watching her fiancé lean against the wall. He had been looking tired in the past few days. She knew that it wasn't easy for neither of them, but Saeran tended to be much more communicative in this aspect than Saeyoung was. He hid things that bothered him and he was good at doing so. 

“You know… What you told him is also true for you” she got closer to him, gently stroking his arms “We can stay, the other guys won’t mind.”

Saeyoung sighed, looking at her. For the past month, he was feeling torn. Part of him wished to finally be able to enjoy the holiday that haunted him throughout his childhood, but another part felt that it was not worth facing anything that could go wrong. For 20 Christmas he had lived with the fact and memories of disappointment, of neglect. He was not ready to relive it once more.

“No. I want to go.” he said, running his hands through her hair “It’s just… Hard. That’s all.” he sighed “But I need this, really. Besides, Saeran deserves it too, you know. And I know how much you love Christmas, I can’t just deprive you from that”

“Saeyoung” she called, placing her hands on his cheeks “I don’t care if we will spend our Christmas with a feast, following every single tradition, or if we will spend it as any other friday night, eating pizza and watching some weird Romanian movie you chose. You two are my family, and for me it’s enough just to be with you, even if we will spend the day pretending that it is not Christmas at all.”

He gave her a tender kiss on the lips, followed by a hug. Saeyoung was thankful for having her there with him. He found it funny how he could be falling in love with her even after so many months.

“We’ll go” he said “It will be fun. And who knows, maybe we’ll even have the opportunity to prank Yoosung”

MC pushed him, laughing as she headed towards the bathroom. Saeyoung loved to see her laugh, even if he could not do so. He looked through the window in his bedroom, as snow fell onto the floor.

_“Do we really need all this?” Saeran asked, putting on his shoes._

_“Of course. We need all the clothes we have if we want to go and play in the snow” Saeyoung answered, tying their blanket on Saeran’s neck “And now you are a superhero” he giggled._

_Saeran was smiling, watching his brother get ready and open the door. The cold wind seemed to enter their bones, but the boys did not mind. They were already used to the cold._

_“Come” Saeyoung helped Saeran stand, slowly guiding him, step by step, outside the door._

_In their nine years of life, Saeran had never seen snow in person, just through their window. Because of his frail health, they were always afraid of him going outside when the weather was extreme, but not that day. It was Christmas eve and if they were not going to receive neither food nor gifts, they deserved to have a nice afternoon playing in the snow._

_When they stepped outside the door, Saeran’s eyes sparkled with joy. He looked up at the snowflakes that fell towards them, giggling as one landed on his nose._

_“It’s snowing,” he laughed._

_Saeyoung smiled, pulling his brother as he ran towards the fence of their decaying home._

_“Look” he pointed at the street “See, they had to clean the road so that people could still move around, because it’s too narrow and it started to pile in front of the houses” while Saeran looked over the fence, Saeyoung kneeled, making a snowball and throwing it at his brother “Gotcha!” he yelled, running away._

_“Hey!” Saeran complained, laughing and running after his older twin._

_The boys continued their fight for a while, throwing snowballs and pushing each other into the snow. When Saeran got tired, Saeyoung pulled him to the side and, finding somewhere for his brother to sit, began to show him how to make a snowman, like the ones they saw in the movies._

_“Can we name it?” Saeran asked, gently patting the snow to make a ball._

_“Sure” Saeyoung answered “What should we call it?”_

_“Nun” he answered, right away._

_“You want to call the snowman ‘snow’?” Saeyoung laughed “Why would you call him like that?”_

_“Well… It fits” Saeran answered._

_Saeyoung stood silent for a moment “That’s true”_

_For hours, the two red headed boys played in the snow, running in the backyard, telling the story of the Super Chois. When Saeran got tired, Saeyoung lifted him on his back, carrying him throughout the yard._

_The boys were tired by the time Saeyoung announced they should go back inside. They dismantled Nun, giving him goodbye, and headed back to their home. After leaving their shoes by the door, Saeyoung placed all their clothes and blanket near the old heater, hoping that they would dry while they took a bath._

_“It was so cool” Saeran said as they got changed, putting on his socks while his brother folded their clothes back into the pile. They were not completely dry, but their mother could never know what they had done “This Christmas is already being so nice”_

_Saeyoung smiled. “I told you that we would have fun today. And if mom goes out tomorrow, we can play like this again”_

_“Promise?” Saeran asked._

_“Promise” he answered, throwing their blanket over his brother’s head._

_Saeran laughed, pulling it off his head. The boy looked around their home. It seemed hollow, even more than ever. They had no Christmas tree or the pretty lights they saw on TV. It was the same dirty home they had grown up into._

_“Hyung” he called “The day is being so much nicer than the other Christmas eves. Do you think Santa will come this year?”_

_Saeyoung looked down. He hoped so. They always saw movies talk about him, how he brought gifts for good children. Were they not good enough? Saeyoung knew that he was wicked, but Saeran… It was unfair. Saeran was a good boy, he should receive at least one small gift. He wondered if it was because of their house. They were not rich like the people from the movies, and they did not have a beautiful fireplace. Perhaps Santa was not for poor children like them. Before he could answer, he heard her keys rattling on the keyhole. This made him rush to his brother, hugging Saeran and making sure that the chains that were used to tie them to the water pipe were hidden under their blanket. He would not have time to put them back around their feet before she came in._

_“I think he’ll come,” he whispered._

Christmas had never been made for them. Not everyone could enjoy it. Saeyoung knew that more than anyone. He did his part. He went to the special service in his church and made donations. That was his participation on Christmas every year. It seemed weird to put on nice clothes, as if he was pretending to be someone he wasn’t, celebrating a holiday that was never meant for him.

He waited for MC and Saeran in the living room. Things had changed. Looking at the bag of gifts he had bought to the other members, Saeyoung felt a small excitement grow within his chest. Deep down, he was hoping that they would like it. 

“Are you ready?” MC asked, sitting near him.

He nodded. She was beautiful.

It did not take long before Saeran arrived, dragging his own bag of gifts. MC’s were already in the trunk of Saeyoung’s car.

“I’ll put it all in the trunk” MC said, taking both bags from their hands “Why don’t you boys get the food?”

They walked together towards the kitchen, taking the two platters filled with kimchi and galbijjin. Saeyoung stopped for a while, looking at the plate. It did not feel right. He did not deserve any of that. Christmas had never been a happy day for them, why should they be happy that time?

“Hyung?” Saeran called “Are you all right?”

Saeyoung looked at him. They deserved to be happy, at least once. At least the first time.

“Yes” Saeyoung answered “It’s just… I’m remembering some stuff. Nothing for you to worry about.” he smiled “Now… Look, if anything happens and you end up not feeling well…”

“I’ll tell you or noona” he completed “I promise”

Saeyoung nodded. “I asked Jumin and Jihyun if we could celebrate without any alcoholic beverages and they said it was ok, so we don’t have to worry about that”

Saeran breathed in relief. At the last party he had a panic attack because of the smell of champagne. Saeyoung had to take him to the bathroom and stay there with him until he calmed down. 

Before heading to Jihyun’s home, they picked up Yoosung. As soon as he entered the car, the boy yelled his Merry Christmas vows to everyone, talking nonstop about the holiday plans and how LOLOL had added a new Christmas skin. MC giggled, watching him talk through the rearview mirror. Soon, the twins adhered to the conversation, arguing about which one of the skins was the prettiest. MC turned on the radio, letting the carols play on the radio while the boys argued in the background.

Jihyun’s home was far away from the city, in a nice neighbourhood. As they passed through the mansions, Saeran looked outside. Every time they crossed the wooded road he remembered the first time he was there, years ago. It was a memory that he could not pinpoint as good or bad. Perhaps it was both. Perhaps he thought that it should be worse because it was related to their mother’s death.

While Saeyoung parked the car, Jihyun opened his front door. The blue haired man came in their direction, hands in his pockets, greeting them with warm hugs and helping with the bags. The inside of his home felt warm and cozy. It was built as an open concept, as the kitchen, dining room and drawing room conjoined into one large space. A tall Christmas tree, lit by tiny lamps, had been set in the corner of the living room and small decorations covered the other furniture. Everyone was already there and more greetings came through, always followed by smiles. The twins could not pinpoint if the warmth they always felt at Jihyun’s home was a result of architecture or of the people. Everything was new, such comfort that seemed restricted to the movies when they were children, always out of their reach. 

“Hey, kid!” Vanderwood said, holding the Christmas lights in his hands while Zen swirled them around Jihyun’s staircase.

“Good to see you, Ms. Vanderwood” Saeyoung smiled.

“Don’t start it. You know that I’ll kick your ass any day” the older man threatned.

“Dude, chill” Zen laughed, pulling the lights up. “It’s Christmas. Nice to see you, Saeyoung”

“Hi, Zen.” the ginger boy greeted.

Jihyun laughed behind him, placing one hand on his shoulder. “Dinner is almost ready, I’m just finishing it” Jihyun said, smiling “You can place the gifts under the tree”

While Saeyoung took care of the gifts, Saeran followed Jihyun to the kitchen, asking if he could help. He watched as MC sat on the couch near Jaehee, cheerfully smiling. Both of them seemed fine, and this was enough for him. Part of him was still hurt for what Jihyun had done, but it was not all his fault. He was getting better, little by little recovering from years of abuse. 

“Jumin-hyung” the older Choi called, getting closer to the older man, who had traded his usual tux for a new sweater that displayed tiny cats running after christmas ornaments “I wanted to thank you for understanding the… beverage thing. I know how much you like wine and stuff, so…”

“There is nothing to thank,” Jumin answered, opening up a tiny smile. “Your well being is far more important than the sort of beverages we will be drinking tonight. Besides, Yoosung has presented me to the non-alcoholic champagne and I do believe that it is exquisite” 

Saeyoung laughed “Well, thank you anyways” looking up and down to his friends sweater, he completed “Neat sweater”

“I made it” Jaehee said, smiling proudly “I did one for each one of us, as you can see” showing the sweater she was wearing, decorated with small coffee beans “Those are the only gifts you are allowed to open before Christmas” she laughed, placing a package neatly wrapped on his hands “Merry Christmas, Saeyoung”

Jaehee pulled him into a hug before heading towards Saeran. Saeyoung kept looking at the gift, the red and green wrapping paper being held tight in his hand. It was a Christmas gift. 

_“Mom said that gifts are just for people who are wanted” Saeran whispered, as he laid on his brother’s lap._

_It was Christmas eve, but there was no food perfume flooding the home, neither sparkling lights. They had nothing besides the bitter stench of alcohol and the cold that their thin blanket could not hold back._

_“Maybe that’s why Santa never came. Because we shouldn’t have been born” he continued._

_“Don’t say that” Saeyoung answered, taking his eyes off the shirt he was sewing and looking at his twin “She doesn’t know what she is saying. She just said that because she was all drunk and stupid.” he looked down back to the rip that had opened across the shirts’ sleeve, trying to make his shivering hands work the needle through the fabric._

_“Then why did he never come?” Saeran asked, sitting up._

_Saeyoung did not know. For ten years they had waited for him. Perhaps… he would never bring them any gifts. Maybe he wasn’t real at all._

_“Is it because we are poor, hyung?” Saeran asked again._

_“Maybe” Saeyoung answered, raising his shoulders dismissively “It could be” he stared into his brother’s eyes “But, you know what? If that’s the case, we should teach him a lesson, because he must be very mean not to bring any gifts for us just because we don’t live in a fancy home. One day, we will be very rich and buy all the gifts we want, but Santa won’t be invited for Christmas, ever”_

_Saeran giggled “No, let’s invite him”_

_“Shh, you’ll wake her up” Saeyoung said, putting the sewn shirt aside and laying down by his brother’s side “Why should we invite him? He never remembers about us anyways”_

_“Well…” Saeran thought for a few seconds, as Saeyoung pulled their blanket in order to cover their heads “Maybe he just needs friends, then he won’t forget anyone ever again”_

_Saeyoung stared at his brother, he was such a good boy. “Yeah… You’re right. You’re very smart, did you know that?”_

_He made his brother smile with the compliment. That would be their gift for that year. Saeran received a compliment and Saeyoung received the opportunity of making his brother smile._

_“I’m not” he giggled “Mom always says that I’m the dumber out of the two of us”_

_Saeyoung scoffed “What does she know about anything? You’re brilliant, Saeran”_

Raising his eyes, he saw Saeran in the kitchen. Their eyes met and a smile formed in his brother’s lips. His first instinct was to run to him, see if he was ok, but he knew that he was. That was one of the brightest smiles he saw on Saeran since he got him back. It would not be right for him to interfere. 

As he opened the package, he found a red sweater, with tiny stars embroidered on the fabric. It was a Christmas gift that she had made for him, thinking of him… because she cared. She cared. 

“Thank you, noona” Saeyoung thanked her, putting it on. It was soft and warm, making his smile as a few tears flooded his eyes. 

Saeran kept looking at the package in his hands. Part of him longed to rip it open and see what was inside, but the other part… The other part wanted to live every second of that moment. It should not mean so much, but it was a Christmas gift. His Christmas gift. Upon seeing his brother’s happy eyes, he felt the joy of that moment, the importance of that present. Carefully, he unwrapped the gift, carefully avoiding to tear the paper. It was a pink sweater, with small flower embroideries. 

“It’s beautiful” he smiled, looking at her “Thank you, Jaehee-noona”

It did not take long for dinner to be ready. The members of RFA gathered around the round table, chatting and laughing as usual. 

“All right, now think about this” Saeyoung said, taking a large amount of bulgogi and placing it on his plate “What if our brains are actually parasites that are lodged into our heads. It’s the most perfect invasion of all times”

“Can’t we have at least one meal without you talking about weird stuff?” Vanderwood asked.

Yoosung stared at him, terrified, ignoring the ex-agent’s plea. “Wait, then… It would mean that they rule the world at this point”

Saeyoung smirked, passing the potato noodles to MC. “Yup. And the most terrible part is that we cannot even fight back, since they have lodged in for so long that if we take them out of our bodies we will die”

“That is only true based on the assumption that cerebral death is actually true” Jumin pointed out, taking a sip of his glass of non-alcoholic champagne “But if you have established that they control humanity, with no way of knowing when the invasion happened, we can suppose that they could call cerebral death cases when the parasite dies and the host is killed in order to keep their secret safe”

Silence followed on the table. No one expected that comment to come from the always so serious Jumin Han. 

“Is the champagne really non-alcoholic?” Jaehee asked.

“Yes, I was the one who gave the glass to him,” Yoosung answered.

Saeyoung smirked. “That is a really great point. So even if we know the truth, we can’t even fight against them, since they live inside our minds”

“And the possibility of someone submitting themself to a surgery to take their brain out is small, since the risk of dying - and proving the theory wrong - is very high”

“Are we really going to talk about brain-shaped parasites over dinner?” Jihyun asked, laughing.

“How can we know that the parasites are not the ones sending this as a way of tricking us?” MC asked, ignoring Jihyun “We don’t know which thoughts are ours and which ones are theirs. What if they released this information so that we can consider it an absurd and discard it forever?”

Yoosung seemed terrified, making Saeyoung laugh. He looked down at his plate.

“Were we living a lie this whole time?” he asked, drawing laughs out of the others.

“Why don’t we change the subject for a much more interesting topic?” Zen said “Like the fact that I’m going to star on the new Christmas play as the main part”

Conversation continued, filled with laughs and jokes. There was never silence when the RFA gathered. Time passed by and soon enough dinner had been eaten, as well as the deserts, but they remained sitting at the table, chatting, talking about their plans for the new year. When they began to clean up the table, Saeran told his brother that he wanted to go outside for a while. He was ok with going alone. Smiling, he walked past the glass door, cleaning up some snow before sitting on the bench on Jihyun’s backyard. Silence. He loved spending time with their friends, but sometimes it got too overwhelming for him. _What are we doing here?_ Sometimes he wondered if it was right to live like that. If it was right for him to live like that. _We don’t belong here._ Could he really just ignore what had happened? Sometimes he felt that he was just pretending, ignoring his whole past and everything that he and his brother had been through. _Christmas is only for people who were rightfully born in this world._ Having dinner, laughing, as if one day he had not starved. _Food is just for people who deserve it._ Talking with his friends when he had no one just a few months before. _Coward._ Trying to forget everything she had told him when her voice still resonated loud within him. _Stupid bug._

Shut up.

_Stupid bug._

_Saeran was crying. The two boys had held each other close, too afraid to look at her as she yelled. Now she was asleep and he cried, shivering in pain on his brother’s arms. Saeyoung cooed at him, assuring that it was over, that they were safe now, that soon the bruises would stop to hurt. Still, he cried. It was another Christmas eve in the Choi household and the house was still empty, still cold, still unhappy._

_“You know…” Saeyoung wiped his own tears, taking care with a bruise that covered his left cheek “It’s Christmas eve. You are always so excited with Christmas” he brushed his brother’s hair with his shivering fingers “Don’t you want to talk about that?”_

_Saeran shook his head, getting closer to his brother. He didn’t. He did not want to talk about anything._

“May I sit here with you?”

He looked up, meeting with Jihyun’s kind mint eyes. Nodding, Saeran scootched to the side, opening space for his hyung to sit near him. Jihyun. V. He could not pinpoint his thoughts about him. It was as if a dense mist clouded his mind, making it hard for him to discern among his memories which ones were true, which ones weren’t and which ones he had lost.

“God, it’s really cold tonight,” Jihyun pointed out, sticking his hands in his pockets and looking at Saeran “Are you alright?”

“Yes, why do you ask?”

It sounded more rude than he intended. Actually, he did not intend for it to sound rude at all. _It’s none of his business._ I’m doing the talking, stop it. _Here’s a tip for talking: fuck off._ Dealing with many scattered parts of himself was tiring.

“Sorry… I didn’t mean it like that” he apologized.

“It’s fine” Jihyun smiled “Don’t worry. How are you feeling, Saeran?”

Saeran took a deep breath, looking at the snow-covered grass.

“I’m feeling like a mess. It’s so hard, hyung. I knew that it would not be easy for any of us, but God…” he glared at the sky “It’s as if I have this voice in my head, all the time, just telling me that I should not be here, that I don’t deserve this. And I mean… Look from where we came from, look what happened in that house, how you… How you found me when you rescued me from there. I don’t know. I just… sometimes I feel that we are not worthy of all this because of where we came from”

Jihyun kept silent, staring at the boy as he spoke. He had known Saeran for six years and even if he was grown up, he still saw the same boy he had rescued from the broken home. The mint haired man leaned back, staring at the starry sky.

“I remember when you got here for the first time. When we brought you in” Jihyun smiled “You were so scared. When you got inside, you walked straight to one corner of the living room and asked if you could stay there because it was near the fireplace” his eyes flashed with a mixture of remembrance and sadness “Even after I took you to your room, you spent all day following me around the house. You even helped me develop some pictures because you did not want to be alone.”

Saeran chuckled, but his eyes were sad “We had fried chicken for dinner. I remember that you let me help you cook”

“That’s right!” Jihyun looked down “As soon as I placed the plate in front of you, you began to eat with your hands. It never occurred to me that you did not know how to use cutlery.”

“You ate with your hands too,” Saeran smiled

“Of course, I would not let you have all the fun with the food.” he laughed. “But then I teached you how to use chopsticks and forks, all the eating utensils. And you learned. We’ve spent days and days, meal after meal, practicing and trying to get it right, until one day, you made it. Now you can eat perfectly with cutlery, no one can say that you’ve only learned how to use it when you were sixteen. It was not easy, but you got there. 

“And this whole situation you’re in is just like the cutlery. Of course that is a bit more complicated, but the point here is: your past does not define who you are today. It is part of you and it made you, but it is not you. It’s just like the chopsticks. It’s not because you did not know how to use them that you can’t use them until today. And things in life will be hard sometimes. Accepting things is hard, especially when it comes to accepting yourself. Sometimes your first instinct will be to find the best place in the living room, because that’s what you were taught that you deserve, when in fact you have a whole bedroom waiting for you. And you deserve the bedroom, Saeran.” he placed one hand on the boys face “You really do”

Some things cannot be said by words. Feelings too deep, too personal, they do not seem to reach out to the vocal cords. They are transmitted by hugs. Saeran was not the type of person that would initiate hugs oftenly, but that time he allowed himself to pull hyung closer, leaning against his torso. Jihyun wrapped his arms around him without saying another word. That was one memory that she had never been able to erase from him. V-hyung’s hugs. It was the embrace of someone that shared the pain, the embrace that shielded even his worst thoughts. It had never changed. Saeran enjoyed hugs because of that, they did not change the same way people did.

Christmas Eve ended soon. They played traditional games and had fun, but it was time to go home. After trading gifts, with the frequent reminders that they were just supposed to open them after Christmas, each one of them went back to their respective homes, except for Yoosung, who was going to spend Christmas day with Jihyun.

During the car ride back home, MC and the twins kept cheerfully talking about their night, about the date they had settled to see Zen’s play and about the brain-parasites theory. Neither of them regretted the Christmas Eve dinner.

“A sleepover?” Saeran asked, helping MC to place the presents under the tree “What the hell do you mean?”

“I mean something fun for us to do,” Saeyoung answered, dropping their pillows and blankets on the living room. “Come on, it will be like camping, but inside. We’ll turn on the fireplace, talk, wait for Santa…”

“Aren’t we too old to believe in Santa?” Saeran asked, looking at his brother.

“Please?” Saeyoung insisted “MC agreed. It would be something we never did when we were kids.”

“Saeyoung, sleeping on our living room floor was everything we did when we were kids” seeing the look on his brother’s face, he sighed. _Stupid brother._ “Fine, we’ll do it. But I get to choose the Christmas movie.” he answered, running upstairs to get changed.

MC looked at her fiancé, smiling at his enthusiasm.

“So… How’s Christmas so far?” she asked, passing her arms around his neck.

“Perfect” he said, kissing her.

. . .

_“Why don’t we make our wishes to Santa? You said that you think he will come this year, we can make him our wishes” Saeyoung asked._

_“How?” Saeran asked, looking at his twin._

_“It’s simple,” Saeyoung explained. “You have three wishes, to give him options. I’ll go first. I wish-”_

_“Shouldn’t we be nice to him?” Saeran asked._

_“What?”_

_“Nice… Like, polite?” seeing no response from his brother, he added “Let me begin” after clearing his throat, he closed his eyes “Dear Santa, we hope that you are very happy this Christmas Eve. My brother and I are still waiting for you and we want you to know that if you can’t find a chimney in our home is because we don’t have one, but our heater is a perfect way for you to come in and deliver our gifts, you just need to be careful because it is electric and old, so please, try not to be electrocuted when you come in. I suggest you open the door. We need to keep it locked because it’s dangerous here, but I’m sure that you can open it with your magical powers, just lock it up again after you leave. Saeyoung is going to make his wishes now” he looked at Saeyoung “Now you can go. But be polite.”_

_Saeyoung laughed, rolling his eyes. “All right. I wish for a spaceship, a cat and…” he stopped to think for a while “A big house for me and Saeran to live happy and far away from mom”_

_“Oh, those are nice ones” Saeran said “I don’t know what I would wish.” biting his lips, he thought about it “My first wish would be… A really nice toy. I don’t care which one, it would just be nice to have one. And also… I want a cupboard that never gets empty of food. We can use that on the big house” Saeyoung nodded at his brother’s idea “Lastly… Can Santa give us things that are not material?”_

_“I don’t know. Why?”_

_“Well… If the other two are very hard for him to get, I’d wish for mom to stop being mean to us” he looked at his brother “Do you think he can make that?”_

_“Yes” Saeyoung answered, holding his brother’s hand “I think you can wish that”_

_The boys closed their eyes, thanking Santa as they drifted away into their dreams._

. . .

“Saeran, wake up” 

He opened his eyes and looked at his smiling brother. _Stupid brother._ Rubbing his eyes, Saeran sat up, yawning.

“What time is it?” he asked, barely finishing his sentence before his older brother pulled him out of the couch.

“Time to open our gifts!” Saeyoung said, pulling him towards the Christmas tree.

“We had been waiting for you, but you were Mr. Sleepy today and Mr. Hyperactive here could not wait any longer.” MC giggled, seating near the pile of presents.

It all seemed to them like a dream. It actually was a childhood dream. One by one, they took each gift from underneath the tree, reading the name tags and cheering everytime one of them opened the wrapping paper. Their Christmas was filled with smiles, laughter, lights and happiness. In the end, there was just one small red box left. Saeyoung took it on his hands, pushing the white ribbon to the side in order to see who it was for, finding it weird since all of them had opened all the gifts they expected to get. For his surprise, he saw his own messy handwriting spelling the word “Saeran”. He knew that gift, he had delivered that gift years back. How could it… How could it be there? Why did his brother never get it? Attached to it was a letter with his own name on it. His hands shivered as he opened it. 

“I’ll leave you two alone for a bit” MC said, smiling at the sight of the gift that she had carefully placed under the tree by their hyung’s request.

The paper inside seemed old. It was an old receipt that contained the letter on the back. It was written in a messy handwriting that he knew too well.

_“Saeyoung, there were not many moments that tore my heart apart in the same way as when I saw you on my doorstep today, handing me a gift to deliver for someone that I know that, for you, is the most important person in the world. When I saw you running away, rushing to get back to the US, using this exit that I managed to find for you, risking yourself on his behalf, I could not refrain thinking how much I admire you, your courage, your determination._

_I am sitting in my car right now. Rika and I talked and she thinks that it is too risky for us to give this to Saeran. We don’t want him to have any more troubles with your mother or, much worse, to be found by your agency. But as I’m staring at the lake, I cannot find the courage to drop it on the water. I cannot do this to either of you. And I am sorry. I am so sorry that I cannot give this to him._

_If one day this ever reaches you, I want you to know that it is because you should give it to him. Even if he has received many gifts by the time, as we are hoping to get him out of your mother’s home soon, this will always be his first Christmas gift. No. His first gift, as you told me just a few hours ago. He deserves to get this from you and only you._

_There is not one day when he doesn’t ask me about you. I never know what to say to him, so I try to imagine what your words would be and everytime I imagine you opening a bright smile, looking at him and saying that everything is fine, that there is nothing to worry about, and that is what I do._

_There was so much I wanted to tell you when I saw you today, but we did not have time. We did not have the time. I could not tell you how we teached him how to read, something he seems to love so much. I could not tell you how he is taking care of the church’s garden and asking me to teach him photography. I could not even tell you that he is healthier than ever and receiving all the love and care we can give. I hope that by the time you are reading this, you are back together and safe. He loves you, Saeyoung, more than you can ever imagine. You already have a beautiful family, just waiting for your return. And I know that one day you will return to him._

_Thank you so much for trusting me enough to give in my hands the most precious person you had in your life. I cannot give this to him right now, but I’ll make sure that he is the happiest he can be until you come back to him._

_Love from your friend, your brother, your guardian,_

_Kim Jihyun”_

Saeyoung was crying by the time he finished. Jihyun. Stupid Jihyun. He smiled. Stupid Jihyun.

“Saeyoung?” Saeran called.

Saeyoung looked at him. _We are fine, hyung. We are fine._

“Come here. See this?” he showed him the gift “Four years ago, I bought it for you. I was outside of Korea because of the agency and I could not have any contact with you, but… I wanted you to receive a gift on Christmas, because every single year you waited for Santa to come to our home and he never did. This was… This was supposed to be your first gift, but Jihyun could not give this to you at the time. He kept it hidden and now…” he placed the box on his brother’s hand, without letting go of the package. He held one of his brother’s hands, unable to hold back the tears, allowing them to flood his eyes and stream down his cheeks “Now, I am giving this to you. I wish that I could have given this before, to the boy that said his wishes for Santa every Christmas and never stopped believing in him because I never gathered the courage to tell him that he did not exist. I am so sorry, Saeran, that I was gone and that you had to spend so many Christmases alone. And I want you to know that there was never one night when I did not look up to the stars, finding comfort that I was under the same sky as you. I love you so much.”

Saeran was still, looking at the small gift. He had never imagined what his brother had done, how much he had done. His first gift. Slowly, he pulled his brother into a hug. Tears were flowing down his face, dripping in the box on his lap. Saeyoung did not know, but deep on his mind, shielded for so many years, was one memory that she had not been able to erase. The memory that made Saeran love Christmas so much.

“All my Christmases were always amazing because I had you there with me. Even if we only shared the sky rather than our old blanked.” he kissed Saeyoung’s head “I love you too, Saeyoung. I missed you, more than you can imagine. I missed you so much”

The boys cried, holding each other. The pain that had been held on their hearts finally being washed away by their tears. Before opening the gift, they stared at each other.

“Merry Christmas, Saeyoung.”

“Merry Christmas, Saeran”

**Author's Note:**

> I truly hope that you've enjoyed it and keep your eyes open for the next updates! Please, feel free to leave feedback because it helps me so much and I love reading comments!!
> 
> Lots of love, stay safe and Merry Christmas ♡


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